How young children understand separation.

Regardless of why that person left; leaving creates a significant alteration in a child's world. Therefore, children react to that change in ways that are consistent with their developmental stage and age.

How Babies and Toddler Understand Separation

Babies and toddlers are unable to express verbally their feelings. Thus, when somebody they trust and love leaves the room; their body communicates how they're feeling by reacting to that departure. For example, babies and toddler may react to the absence of a parent or other trusted adult by:

·      Sleeping less or waking earlier than usual

·      Eating differently

·      Crying more frequently

·      Needing more physical contact from others

·      Being harder to soothe

Again, none of these responses indicate "bad" behavior. Instead, these responses are the result of the child communicating that their world has changed in some way. In essence, their bodies are indicating that they require additional reassurance.

For young children, closeness is security. When the person that normally provides that security is absent; they will seek out another trusted adult to provide them with the comfort and reassurance that they need to feel calm again.

Understanding How Preschoolers Interpret Separation

Preschoolers have a greater understanding than toddlers. However, preschoolers tend to interpret their world using simple, concrete concepts. As such, they may use short phrases to describe their experience such as:

·      “Momma gone.”

·      “I want Daddy.”

·      “Where Mommy go?”

Preschoolers recognize that someone is absent, however, they lack the ability to fully articulate the complex emotions that accompany the loss of a loved one.

In addition, preschoolers will often ask the same questions repeatedly. This repetitive questioning is not due to defiance or stubbornness. Rather, it is indicative of the preschooler attempting to process and comprehend something large and emotionally charged. Answering their repeated questions will aid in providing them with a sense of security.

Be sure to answer their questions with kindness, compassion, and patience-even if you are fatigued. Short, honest answers will allow them to feel comforted and supported.

When Children Lack the Words, Their Behavior Speaks Volumes

Young children utilize their actions to convey the messages that their mouth is currently unable to express. If a parent is absent, the feelings that a child holds internally may manifest themselves in a variety of behavioral expressions including:

·      Increased number of tantrums

·      Greater level of attachment to parents

·      Refusal to follow routine

·      Unexplained crying

·      High demand for attention

·      Easy frustration

·      Resistance to sleeping in their own bed

None of the aforementioned behaviors are a reflection of a "bad child" or "poor parenting." Rather, they are a manifestation of a child who is experiencing significant distress and is attempting to find a means to cope with that distress.

And most importantly, these behaviors will eventually fade.  As the child becomes accustomed to the new situation, he/she will eventually return to their previous state of functioning.

Ways to Support a Child During Separation

There are several tools available to support a child during times of separation. One of the most effective tools available is your consistent, loving presence. While you do not need to be perfect with your words; you do not need to know all of the answers either. Consistent communication, warmness and gentleness are far more beneficial to a child than trying to find the "right" words.

Here are a few ways to support a child through separation:

 1. Establish a Routine of Predictability

Children are significantly more comfortable with routines that are predictable. Providing a child with routines of predictability (i.e., mealtime, bedtime, etc.) will help to establish a sense of stability and security within the child's environment.

 2. Provide Additional Physical Affection

Providing children with additional physical affection (i.e., hugs) will assist in creating a sense of safety and comfort for the child. Physical touch can be an indicator to a child that they are cared for and that they have a safe place to rely upon.

 3. Utilize Simple, Honest Language

Using simple, honest language to communicate with children will help to establish trust between the child and the caregiver. Children are much more likely to develop trust with caregivers that are open, honest and reliable.

4. Acknowledge Their Emotions

It is possible to acknowledge the child's feelings while providing them with emotional validation. For example, you could tell the child:

·      “It is okay to miss Mama.”

·      “It is okay to feel sad or angry. I am here to help you.”

5. Maintain Calm When They Are Not Able to Remain Calm

Children have a tendency to "borrow" the calmness of the adults that surround them. Therefore, maintaining a calm demeanor when a child is experiencing high levels of anxiety and/or emotional upset will ultimately contribute to helping the child to relax and reduce their overall anxiety level.

Consistency Provides Children With the Ability to Recover

Separation is a difficult experience for young children. They experience a wide range of emotions and may not be able to fully articulate the reasons behind those emotions. However, with the support of caring adults, children are capable of recovering from separation with the strength and resilience they possess.

Your continued support, your established routines, your willingness to patiently answer their questions and your loving nature will all provide them with the comfort and security they need to feel safe once again. When you maintain a calm demeanor, the child will begin to feel calmer as well.

If something in this article brings up questions or you’d like more guidance, please reach out. You can also submit your questions anonymously anytime. You don’t have to figure this out alone.